Have a higher standard for myself, what else can it be? what else is out there? Pursuit of excellence, demand excellence out of myself.
And the future is in the making. The rules and wisdom that have brought me this far, need to be reviewed and assessed. No road map for the future, work on a new one. GOD gives me wisdom, strength, and opportunities.
My life is in a static mode, actually, it has been there for a while. I want to go for the higher level, yet felt trapped somehow, by reality and my own mind, want to fly high, somehow my wings are not spreading, and I am in need of a direction. Focus, focus, focus, focus is the key word, focus is the latitude, and excellence is the latitude. GOD grants me wisdom, strength, and open doors, an eagle needs to soar, and must soar, will not be quiet till she soars high and far.
It is not clear whether anyone is reading my blog, while, it is not that important actually, I am thinking of it as writing to myself via the cyberspace, clear my thinking, and get better direction in life.
There are things that I have been after over the years, yet close examination of my goals and behaviors show that, things that I really want, are not really in my priority list, at least judged from my behavior and where my energy goes. Mostly, I am following whatever haunch guides me, maybe that haunch does not directly make an impact on what I really want in life, in many ways, it seems to take a big detour. I do not like doing things with a strong utilitarian motivation or drive, maybe what I am consciously or unconsciously wish is that, GOD, or some people say universe will guide me to the things that I desire in life. After all the ups and downs, joy, and sadness, suddenly it all makes sense.
Lately I have been spending a lot of time campaigning for Travis Allen to win the primary on the upcoming June 5, and also eventually the governor of California. Participating donations, collecting donation $, buying yard signs, weekend sign waving. Well, not the traditional way for a professor to spend her time. I suspect my other professor friends and even myself actually question why I am so enthusiastic spending time on politics, whether I have any political ambitions. The truth of the matter is, I have no political ambitions, and what I want is to build a solid career at academia. And yet, I am still getting involved in politics, spending my time, energy, and $. Probably there is always a philanthropic inclination in me, the desire to make the world a better place, the kind of idealism that keeps on burning. haha, or probably I get distracted away from things that are really important for me personally? Anyhow, hope Travis win California, hope the beautiful state will get better and better.
Feeling myself dragged towards different directions, demands from all sides. There are intellectual needs (study, work, and think), physical needs (workout), spiritual needs (connection with Jesus), and emotional needs (time to connect with friends) to meet; and there are demands from work, my own research, and helping to elect conservatives to the public offices.
Getting involved in politics is not really my intention, personally, it is not really on my to do list. As California sinks deeper into insanity, I feel it is my responsibility as a taxpayer to do something. When the whole environment changes, everyone suffers. If it is not for the immediate personal gains, at least for the public goods. Last night I stayed up late to prepare for voters’ guide for California mid term election, it is time consuming to know the background of all the politicians, and all the propositions. It all worth it in the end. Focus, focus, focus, one thing at a time. Working hard might not necessarily guarantee happy ending, but not working hard definitely has no happy endings.
Have to admit that I forgot about this blog for a long while, until recently I received a compliment from a stranger about my blog via email. When I went back to check it, gosh, the last entry was on September 2012! almost 6 years ago! What has happened in the last 6 years? Well, not that much, in a tangible and measurable way: my weight, job, house, and dog, check, check, check, are all the same. And my parents and brother are doing well. Hope there are more changes though, more positive change, change for better. Browsing through the previous posts, I am really impressed by the old me, I used to write a lot, maybe it is time to pick it up again, make it a commitment to write everyday.
Recently I got a trustee award from the school, it came with $1,500. The award came once a year, and it was a pleasant surprise. I am fully aware that others are also doing a good job, but still happy I got the recognition. But shortly after I got the award, three of my papers got rejected, and working collecting myself to push forward. Sometimes I really doubt myself whether I have IT to make it, and at the same time, reprimand myself for having such self defeating thoughts.
It is hard to know where to start when there are so much in mind, all rushing to get out. I will just start with whatever run out first.
Long time ago, I read an autobiography of Benjamin Franklin, it says how he does not complain and only has positive attitude on everything and to everyone. And this is not a stand alone case, Lincoln, also shared this trait. It does not mean that they are immune to the negative emotions that all mortals have: anger, complaints, and jealousy, but they find a better way to handle it. Lincoln once got furious about a general refusing to take his order and lost a very important battle. He wrote an extremely angry letter venting his frustration, yet locked the letter in an drawer when he finished it, the letter was never mailed away.
All these years that I have been through ups and downs, from outside, mostly inside, it starts to gradually occur to me how futile anger is. Last night, I lost sleep again, over some argument at work with someone I do not see things eye to eye. I realized that there is really nothing to gain in this. Complaining, getting upset, and frustration will not get me anywhere, only make me loose sleep and mental peace. It is hard to change others, and even harder to change myself. Change myself, change the environment. Complaints, anger, and jealousy are stones tied to an eagle’s wing.
Fruit frees in California are like many teenagers grown up in western society, get mature so fast. Mom and dad planted a few fruit trees in the backyard during their visit last year, since these trees are so small, I was not expecting. To my delight and absolute amazement, the peach tree surprised me with four nice looking peaches. Alas, birds enjoyed them before I got a chance to have a bite. Oh, I guess that is okay.
This summer, the peach tree bloomed a full head of flowers, soon, the flowers turned into lovely little peaches, around 100 of them of them. Everyday when I get a bit tired, I look at these lovely peaces, feeling happy and proud. With so many peaches, it would be impossible for the birdies eat all of them even if they bring their husband, wife, parents, kids, maybe grand kids. This year, I should be able to have the chance to taste the fruits of my trees.
Eight days into my ten days’ master cleansing, two more days to go before the seemingly mission impossible ten days lemonade master cleansing. After drinking only liquid for the past 8 days, I start to long for solid food. It is more out of the desire for pleasure of chewing and tasting the solid food verse the strike of hunger. I am feeling good, energy level is high, with strangely clear mind and a calm and pleasant state. It seems the past eight day fast not only has cleared the body, but also cleaned the mind. My mind feel like window being cleaned, the negative emotions like anxiousness, self doubt, uneasiness, and disorientation are wiped away. Seeing through a clean glass, I feel the world is beautiful and full of magic and beauty again. I start to wonder how much the negative emotions we experienced is caused by the food we eat, and how much is due to everything else.
In addition to a much higher energy level, a content and calm mental state, I also start to feel the desire of preparing and eating solid food. Reading recipe of foods that I want to eat and admiring the food pictures, I can feel myself mouth get watery. Maybe it is time to become a good cook, like what I always imagine myself to be.
 | wendy on Putting trust in GOD |
| huixia on Putting trust in GOD |
| huixia on Finding true love |
| Karen on My rock star, feifei |
| Karen on My rock star, feifei |
wendy's garden 